How Many Kids Do You Have?

I don't remember the very first time someone asked me this question after becoming a mom, but I do know that for six years after Shelby came among, my answer would have been something like, "One. Shelby is my one and only."

I do remember the feeling that stuck with me for a while after my youngest joined us... I was ecstatic and proud as I said, "I have two kids... both girls." We had waited a long time for Daughter-Number-Two to come along, so I wanted to acknowledge our addition.

But I will never forget the first time someone asked me that question after Shelby died. It was just a couple of weeks after her passing, and we were in Hawaii. We had gone to Maui a week after her service to get away from everyone and everything that reminded us that she was gone. It didn't work, by the way, but that's a story for another day... Anyway, we were in a local store, looking for souvenirs and postcards. The shop owner was making small talk with me, and she asked the question... "How many kids do you have?"

I froze for a split second. What do I say? Quick! Think, Lora! "One," I said, and the guilt set in immediately. No one else heard me, but that didn't matter. I knew what I'd said. I felt so guilty not acknowledging Shelby, but I didn't want to explain... I didn't want to cry... I didn't want the shop owner's look of pity... I just wanted to have a normal afternoon shopping with what remained of my family. But nothing would ever be normal again. And so, I left my family in the store to continue shopping, and I ran out of the store to find a quiet corner and cry. I told Shelby how sorry I was, and that I would answer with the truth next time to honor her.

Well, the second time was just a few days later at the airport, coming back from Maui. I was ready for the question that time. Yah... right! The question came from a fellow traveler, a stranger sitting next to me as we waited at the gate. I said, "I have two girls."

"How old are they?" she innocently carried on with the line of questioning.

"Nine and thirteen," I say. That was an easy one!

"Oh," she looks around, "where's the teenager? Is she roaming around here somewhere?"

Really? I wasn't going to get out of that one! I took a deep breath and bravely stated, "We just lost her a couple of weeks ago. We're here for some family time to recover." I said that with NO TEARS, thinking I could keep the conversation's from turning dark or sad. Then the woman started welling up with tears, telling me how sorry she was, and suddenly I was crying too. This had not gone well either!

The third time it happened was the worst! We were back home, trying to get back into old routines, find new routines and trying to find our new normal. I was out with my youngest when a total stranger struck up a conversation and asked, "How many kids do you have?"

I answered, "Just the one." My youngest heard me. She looked up at me with a serious, yet confused look. Oh no, what do I tell her? How do I explain my answer?

When we got to the car, I turned around to talk to her about it. I just got a blank stare back. I told her, "Your sister will always be your sister, and I will ALWAYS have two girls. I just didn't feel like getting into explanations today and crying again." She shook her head in agreement, and she softened. I could see she understood my predicament. She told me she was not used to answering the questions that came to her either. I guess we'll have to work on those as a family.

Fast-forward... it's been almost six months now since the first time I was asked this question. It is still uncomfortable. It is still awkward. But I am becoming more comfortable with being uncomfortable. Because, let's face it... My biggest fear has actually happened, and I am still standing. So, though others may not be comfortable with my honest answers or with my tears, I am becoming more comfortable with sharing my truth, shedding a few tears and moving on.

I never truly thought so much about the caviats of small talk until the last few months, and how much seemingly simple questions can be so AWKWARD.​ If you find yourself making small talk with a stranger or acquaintance, and you catch a glimmer of sadness or get an answer that gives you pause, do not feel bad or apologize... Embrace the awkward moment, and know that you are now a part of this person's healing journey.

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