Happy Birthday, Shelby Rose!

It’s been a bit. The holidays are over, and we’re halfway through a new year. The one-year mark of Shelby’s death has also passed. (More on that another day.) I feel like I’m in a new season of my life. Lighter and easier because I am starting to function like a human being, and the hazy cloud that has covered my brain for the last year and a half is clearing… but more harsh and difficult because the hazy cloud that covered my brain for the last year and a half is clearing, and reality is setting in that this is forever. 

I have spent the last few months leaning into my grief… almost forcing it upon myself daily instead of running away from it. It has been so difficult, but so healing. I am becoming more comfortable with the tears that sneak up on me. Most of the time I welcome the tears, and when my tear bank is emptied, I am better able to move forward. It is much easier than fighting the tears! March held a lot of memories and a lot of important days. Shelby’s Adoption Day, her birthday, her sickest month ever, and her Angelversary… the one year mark that she got her wings. I was dreading March and welcoming it at the same time. I wanted to avoid all the feelings of loss and grief… but I also wanted it to “hurry up and pass” so that it would be over… so I could move through it and be done with it! Adoption Day passed without a blip on my radar, much like it did every year. We don’t normally celebrate it, though it is on my calendar. We celebrate Gotcha Day… the day we brought the girls home. We tell them, “It’s the day we Gotcha!” Shortly after that day was Shelby’s 14th birthday, her first birthday without her. My husband was out of town, so my youngest and I had a chat over the weekend about how we might celebrate Shelby’s birthday. We started out by listing what we wanted to accomplish and what we wanted to avoid. We wanted “Team Shelby” (all those amazing people that supported her for years) to smile and remember her, and we wanted the same for us. We didn’t want to spend the day curled up in a ball, sobbing. We wanted Shelby’s birthday to be JOYFUL! So we went shopping for cupcake ingredients and decorations and spent the day before her birthday baking our little hearts out! We destroyed the kitchen in the process, but that’s the sign of a successful baking mission around here. My youngest and I created memories in the kitchen that day! And then on her birthday, I delivered cupcakes to Shelby’s school, a place that had been hard to visit this past year. And there were tears, but it was mostly a time of sharing and rekindling friendships that were put on hold. Then after school was out, my daughter and I went to local friends’ houses and dropped off cupcakes with cards inviting others who loved Shelby to celebrate with us. And for those who were too far away, I reached out on Facebook and by text, asking them... challenging them to do something to celebrate Shelby Rose. I got pictures and comments from people eating the cupcakes with candles, videos of families singing happy birthday, sharing these precious moments to celebrate our girl. A faraway friend danced in the rain with her kids to celebrate, while others sang with the car windows down, ate dessert first, and bought their own cakes and cupcakes to share with neighbors and family. People that never met Shelby celebrated her birthday. Do you want the TRUTH? I almost chickened out and didn’t go through with it. But I’m so happy I did! There were definitely tears with the joy... Heck, there are still tears EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. But I think it’s the most JOY I’ve felt since she’s been gone! Shelby’s birthdays have ALWAYS been hard on me. ALL YOU SPECIAL NEEDS MAMAS KNOW... you want to celebrate, but the milestones are not the same as with other kids the same age. Shelby and most of her friends could not eat solid food... so should we have a cake? Who do I invite? If the guests are other kids with special needs, then what can we do to include EVERYONE? Can we just let it pass by with a quick happy birthday song and move on??? But then... the GUILT if you do that! Especially once siblings come along, you want to keep things equal and show your other kids that birthdays hold the same weight for everyone. THEN... March is right toward the end of Respiratory Season, so if we plan something, will Shelby be healthy? Or will sick kids show up endangering the health of Shelby and all of her other vulnerable friends? And now-and-then those other feelings crept in... How many more birthdays will we have? Could this be the last? This year there was none of that!!! The only apprehension was whether or not to follow through on my plan. Once I got past that, it was an amazing day! As I was tucking my youngest into bed the evening of Shelby’s birthday, she asked me, “Can we do this every year? Can we do something fun to celebrate Shelby’s birthday? And can Daddy take the day off of work so we can all celebrate her birthday together?” Without hesitation, I said, “Absolutely!” I want Shelby’s birthday to always be a celebration, though I am unsure that any year will measure up to this first year. But I am hopeful!