Unpredictable Triggers of Grief
- Lora K.
- Sep 18, 2017
- 2 min read
I'm not one for dates. I worried for a while that every month on the 30th, I'd have trouble getting out of bed since that was the date that Shelby died. Surprisingly, the 30th hasn't been a big trigger for me. I remembered it the first month, but that date has passed four more times and it hasn't even phased me. However, the first day of school was a rough one for me this year. Shelby LOVED school! She loved to ride the bus, chattering and squealing above the noisy engine. She loved interacting with her teacher and all of her therapists at school. They kept her busy, everyone knew her name and said hello to her in the halls, and she had her friends there who were like her and spoke her chattery little language... a language all their own. The first day of school this year, I dropped off my youngest, barely holding it together, then I cried the entire way home. I didn't expect school to trigger me like that!
And then there was another surprise just a couple of weeks ago. I was pushing my youngest on the swing and couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I was perplexed at the strong emotion! We'd been on the swings together a few times since Shelby passed away, but I don't remember pushing her in the last few months. When I was looking through pictures last week, I came across this one. Aha! There was the explanation! Maybe. We did this a lot. But why did this bring tears, while other events didn't phase me? I don't think I'll ever know this. But I don't think I'll ever stop asking, "Why?"
So last night we were out at the swings again... and I pushed... and I cried... and when the tears were all gone I looked toward Heaven and said aloud, "Shelby, baby, we're swinging for you!"
Then I heard, "C'mon Mom. Let's see who can swing higher!" So I got on a swing, accepted the challenge of my youngest and pumped my legs. I think my toes almost reached Heaven. SaveSaveSave
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